3 Ways To Love Someone With A Porn Problem

3-ways-to-love-porn-problemIn this colossal issue of porn addiction in our world, those of us who claim the mantel of “Christ Follower” live in a unique place. We are a people called to love, forgive, and even heal the broken and addicted and ashamed. It is the way we were intended to live by our loving Creator – it is our purpose. Our sacred writings are even filled with teaching that indicates that if the world experiences us as hateful, then nothing we do or say matters at all. It’s all resounding gongs and busted guitar strings.

Yet this issue is just as bad, if not worse, inside the church as outside of it, and most of the world seems to experience a great deal of judgment emanating from our direction in regards to any and all issues of sexuality. It’s clear that we are missing something. (Tweet This!) So let’s get helpful—here are three simple steps any person can take toward actually and authentically loving someone who is struggling with a porn problem.

1) Understand that you can win the argument, or you can win their heart – but not both.

One of the above—the argument (whatever form that takes) or the person’s heart—must be tossed into the fire. If you are unable to release your argument in your attempt to win someone’s heart, then no matter what language you use, they will only hear judgment and condemnation, though you are claiming all the while to love them. Open your hands, take a deep breath, and release any responsibility you think you have to make that person change. (Tweet This!)

2) Understand that you’re the same.

All of us Christians have been taught that sin, in all its forms, is a part of this human experience. We know that being addicted to control, work, or shopping is no better or worse than porn addiction, but we often feel, deep within our bodies, that porn addiction is a violation of a darker sort. But is it? Or is it really just a medication for a different wound? Our addictions—and how they manifest—say a lot about the various wounds we carry. Your obsession with perfection or work or control or sports is performing the same function your spouse’s or friend’s or pastor’s porn addiction is; it’s just serving a different wound. Coming to a place of love and understanding of these people is to have your eyes open to your own unconscious pain and how you are medicating it.

3) Understand that forgiveness is not a thing you do but a place where you arrive.

It’s okay to be angry. Allow that anger to have its say. And after you’ve raged and cried and moved it through you and have come to the other side of it, then steps 1 and 2 will begin to settle down inside of you. Forgiveness will start to wash over you. Your eyes will open and you will be able to see them clearly, just as we are seen by Christ: as human beings who, in their moral failings, are given the opportunity to find the truest essence of the Divine—unconditional and relentless love.

Trusting the porn addict is a topic for another day, but just know that we can find that, too, and even before that person is completely free. It has more to do with what we seek inside ourselves than it does with someone arriving at a moral standard that we perceive as “good enough.” Blessings on this sacred journey to all who seek to find out what love really is and to let it transform them.


X3_Groups-Small.pngIf you are the spouse of a man struggling with pornography there is help for you too. His journey is yours also. Join an X3group JUST FOR SPOUSES and connect with other women just like you. Right NOW you can join any group and get your first 30 days for just $1.

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5 Reasons Your Husband May Be Lying To You

5-reasons-lying-to-youOver the years I’ve come to recognize a few things that are pretty consistent when it comes to those who struggle with porn addiction (specifically men, for the purposes of this post). Things that I know not only from helping those who are addicted, but also from what I saw and did myself when I was addicted.

One of those things is this: pornography addiction makes men liars. (Tweet This!)

Now, please do not take this as a statement of condemnation. Remember, I’m talking from personal experience here.

But it is true. Pornography addiction has the ability to turn honest men into some of the worst liars. By its very nature, porn addiction needs secrecy and shame to breathe and thrive.

Unfortunately, the ones who get lied to the most are usually the ones closest to us: our families.

More specifically, our wives.

When couples come to us after uncovering porn use, the pollution of hurt and distrust can be thicker than the smog levels on a hot day in Los Angeles.

There are so many questions, but one of the biggest is: Why did he lie to me?

There are many reasons. I want to give you five.

And please realize that these aren’t “excuses,” nor do they make the lying okay; they’re just legitimate reasons that might help you deal with the pain.

Reason #1: Fear of looking weak.
Fact: Most men don’t like looking weak. We don’t. And we especially don’t want to look weak in front of our wives.

However, there is a common misconception out there that people who struggle with porn have some sort of inherent moral weakness. That basically there is a flaw in their character or DNA that keeps them from abstaining, because “if they weren’t weak, they would just NOT LOOK like the rest of us.”

However, this belief is a lie in and of itself and men who struggle with porn need to realize that. Yes, we are weak – but so is everyone else. Men who use porn aren’t suffering from some sort of special weakness.

Reason #2: Fear of loss.
Hey, this is a legitimate concern. Men (especially Christian men) realize that when they come clean, they are taking a big risk. A risk that their “betrayal” may cost them everything they love.

But men, if this is you, realize it’s always better for your porn use to be “brought” not “caught.” Getting caught with your hands in the perverbial cookie jar is far more devastating to your spouse than finding out through humble and sincere repentance.

Reason #3: Fear of hurting or disappointing those we love.
This reason is unique because it is in many ways selflessly motivated. I’ve been there. Husbands don’t want to hurt their wives (unless they are just awful husbands, but that’s a whole different topic). They also don’t want to disappoint their wives and, let’s be honest, admitting porn use is hurtful and disappointing.

Men, while your motivation is altruistic (but ultimately self-serving), realize that your lies are even more painful and disappointing. Be honest and give your wife what she deserves.

Reason #4: Fear of looking like the “creepy” guy.
Again, another myth: that only creepy guys look at porn. Men don’t want to be “that guy,” especially in front of their spouse.

However guys, this is your opportunity to shed light on the truth. Regular guys look at porn. (Tweet This!) You don’t have to be a creep to do it. Be part of the solution and not part of the problem.

Reason #5: Fear of getting our butt kicked.
This reason is by far the most regrettable. Unfortunately there are many men out there who lie because they just aren’t ready to stop. They don’t want to get their butt kicked and be forced to deal with their issues.

Guys, if this is you, there’s not much I can say that hasn’t been said already. You need to want freedom to find freedom. (Tweet This!) If you want porn, then most likely you will keep lying about it to your wife. And when your wife finds out, don’t be surprised when she decides it’s time to leave.

There are plenty of other reasons men lie about their addiction, but I believe these five are the most common.

Spouses, hopefully this gives you some insight.
Hopefully this will help with your healing in some way.

And guys, I know you have your reasons.
I know the idea of telling your spouse the truth is scary as crap.

But I assure you it’s the best way.

Because at the end of the day, dishonesty sucks. And being on the other end of that dishonesty sucks even more. Even if you have your reasons.


X3_Groups-Small.pngIf you are the spouse of a man struggling with pornography there is help for you too. His journey is yours also. Join an X3group JUST FOR SPOUSES and connect with other women just like you. Right now you can join any group and get your first 30 days for just $1.

Sign Up Now!

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Great Sexy Adult retreats

Where do London escorts go on holiday? Hedonism II in Jamaica of course! You may never have heard of this place but Hedonism II is one of the world’s top resorts. It is a seriously sexy holiday location, and if you fancy some sexy funny on your holiday, Hedonism II is the place to go. A lot of my London escorts friends go here once a year, and they seem to have a great time. They come home with an allover tan, and a great big smile on their faces. This is the kind of place where anything goes, and most of my friends just love it for that.Hedonistic HolidaysSo, what happens on a hedonistic holiday. My London escorts friends sometimes go there to enjoy great sex but they also say the service is great. You don’t have to worry about room service waking you up in the morning, and you can sleep as late as you like.

If you don’t want to have breakfast before ten, you don’t have to and you can even start your day off with a bottle of champagne on the beach.Most of my London escorts friends say that they never wear a bikini when they visit the resort. Okay some of the London escorts were keen to point out that you can’t eat dinner in the nude but you can wear your shorts. It sounds pretty nice actually but is it true that the resort has playrooms? Yes, said Sue, one of the charlotteaction.org escorts in London, the resort does have playroom with really sex furniture and you can use them as much as you like. All you need to is to reserve one for your private use at the reception, and you can play away until your heart is content.Another one of London escorts were keen to point out that the top suites had ceilings mirrors and mirrors at the back of the bed. Apparently it sounds like this might be the perfect resort for some sexy adult fun, if you are looking for that. The beach is a gift from the gods said another one of the London escorts.

First off it is absolutely beautiful and on top of that, you don’t need to worry about wearing a bikini. Once again anything goes, and you can mix and match with others as Hedonism II like to call it.The resorts is mainly used by Americans but more Brits find it every year. Quite a few of the London escorts said that they had recommended it to their dates, and they knew that some of their dates had booked and even been joined by London escorts. It sounds like it might be the perfect holiday if you want to enjoy some serious adult fun, and perhaps meet like minded people from the rest of the world. The resorts also lays on special events such as swingers’ holidays and porn star parties. Many people who visit the resort are regulars, and just keep coming back time and time again for some serious adult fun.

3 Reasons Beautiful Couples Cheat

3-reasons-beautiful-cheatSomeone once told me something to think about: “The finest person in the world is somewhere getting on their spouse’s last nerve.”

I mean, think about it. It seems that pretty much every day, we’re hearing about a celebrity break-up or divorce—and a lot of those people are beautiful.

Why? Because looks aren’t everything. So no matter how attractive you are, that’s not enough to get a person, keep a person, or prevent that person from cheating. In fact, as a marriage life coach, I deal with my fair share of couples who love one another and still have experienced infidelity.

The reasons why are not as black-and-white as you might think. Here are three:

1) One or both people feel taken for granted. Although some may want to assume that men cheat more than women, there are actually studies which indicate as much as 50 percent of wives will cheat at some point in their marriage. And whenever I ask either the husband or the wife why they did it, the answers oftentimes lead to the same point: The husband feels like the wife barks demands or complains all of the time about what he’s not doing or should be doing more of rather than acknowledging his actual efforts. The wife doesn’t feel like her man is putting in the same kind of effort to “keep her” as he did to get her. There’s no dating. There are no compliments. There is no good or lasting foreplay.

Bottom line: the “potential cheater” starts to feel taken for granted, which leaves a void they want to fill. If that doesn’t happen inside the home, they start to look elsewhere.

Just because your spouse promised to “love, honor and cherish” you until death (marriage is supposed to be until death; you can read a good piece on that here), that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t acknowledge and appreciate the fact that each day they make a choice to stay with you. No one wants to be taken for granted. (Tweet This!) If you know you’re guilty of doing that, take this as a heads-up that something needs to change. Soon.

2) The sex sucks. I thought about putting this another way, but some folks need to hear it just like that. This is another complaint that I hear from husbands and wives alike. Husbands tend to complain about a lack of consistency and wives tend to complain about the monotony of the experience. When it comes to how often a couple should have sex, it depends on the couple. I’ll say this, though: No matter how long someone’s been married to you, they’ll never like rejection. So, if you’re always brushing your spouse off or acting like something is wrong with them for wanting to have sex with you more than once or twice a month, that could cause them to develop an emotional wall first and a curiosity about cheating second.

At the same time, if sex is always about what you want or how you like it, if there is no romance or fulfilling foreplay…if everything is about “getting to the end” without enjoying the journey, that can cause someone to become bored. Then resentful. And then thinking about things that they’ve probably never thought about before. And when you think long enough, you start to dwell on those thoughts, and when you dwell on something long enough, it’s not too long until you are tempted (really tempted) to act.

3) There is a lost connection. One of my favorite relationship quotes is “People change and forget to tell one another.” That’s how couples can be married for 30-40 years and wake up one day and feel like they no longer know their spouse. If you’re not listening to your spouse, if you’re not paying attention to their love languages, if there is no prayer and devotional time—in short, if you’re not making one another a top priority, there will start to be a disconnect. It’s the ideal breeding ground for an emotional affair and oftentimes that can be far more destructive than a “hit it and quit it” physical affair. Why? Because emotional affairs tend to create really powerful connections.

Yeah, beautiful people can sho ‘nuff have affairs. One of the best things that you can do to avoid one yourself is to be more proactive than reactive in your relationship. Think about the things that I’ve shared, discuss them with your spouse and be open to their feedback.

Any counselor worth their time and money will tell you that rarely is an affair simply about some horny person who can’t control themselves. (Tweet This!) It’s about needs going unmet. And then getting to the point of being desperate enough to find a way to get them met. Sadly, even if it means having an affair.


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