Husbands, It’s Okay To Be Attracted To Images Of Other Women

its-ok-to-be-attracted-to-images-of-womenWithin days of releasing For Women Only, based on my research study of the inner lives of men, my husband Jeff told me it was all his male buddies wanted to talk about. Not because their wives could finally understand them… but because they could finally understand themselves.

The most popular topic of discussion? The “Visual” chapter, where I explained that even the most honorable, happily-married men are confronted every day in this culture by dozens of attractive, sexualized images of other women that they don’t want to have rattling around in their brains. They have to spend time and effort tearing down those images and taking those thoughts captive. And it can be exhausting.

The reaction from some of Jeff’s friends? Immense, explosive relief.

I was really confused, but Jeff explained:

Guys don’t generally sit around and talk about this kind of internal stuff the way women do, so how would they know that other guys are the same as they are? It’s not like you sit around at Starbucks going, “You got images?” “Yep, I got images.”

So some guys have been feeling shame for years because they thought that the temptation itself meant that they were failing and sinful. (Tweet This!) It is a relief for a man to know that just having an image pop into his head doesn’t mean he’s a failure. For him to know that “Yeah, I don’t like that it confronts me, but what matters is what I do next.”

In the years since that conversation, my research has continued and I’ve heard Jeff’s point of view from many other men I’ve interviewed. Now, just to be clear: I’m talking here about men being attracted by an image, not being attracted to another woman as a person — as in, that female colleague at the office. Further, what I’m discussing here only applies to men who are generally making the right choices and are trying as best they can to keep their thought lives pure.

But there are way too many of these honorable men – truly good guys – who have been feeling shame (or made to feel shame) because they instinctively want to look at the hot woman at the grocery store who is falling out of her top. They feel a gut-level desire to savor the sight of the lithe twenty-something at the gym who is showing off all of her assets. The type of man I’m talking about will generally try to wrench his head away… but deep down inside, there’s a part of him that would rather look.

Guys, is that you?
Ladies, does this describe your husband?

It’s important to say this: it is normal to be attracted to an attractive image. (Tweet This!) There is literally nothing wrong with that part of it. In fact, a man’s brain is so hard-wired for visual processing that it is almost impossible for a man to not find that image appealing. I would argue, in fact, that his brain is functioning in precisely the way God designed.

However.

It is even more important to emphasize this: being attracted to an image and doing something about it – such as a lingering look or thought about that other woman — are two very, very different things. In the Bible, God clearly says that a man must not allow himself to take that lingering look. He must not allow his thoughts to go in a lustful direction. Those go beyond “attraction” and into “action.” And the actions of lust, in God’s economy, equal a heart of adultery. (Tweet This!)

Yes, it is normal to want to look – but the only time a man can indulge that desire is when he is with his wife.

There’s no way to know this for sure, but I think God designed the male brain to be attracted to an attractive image on purpose – and that that purpose was to bond a man to his wife. Remember, Adam’s first words when he saw Eve were essentially, “Hubba, hubba.” I’ve been investigating this topic for years as Craig Gross and I have been writing our new, more in-depth book on this topic, Through A Man’s Eyes, and neuroscientists have found that the visual male brain wiring has a direct tie to a man’s emotional connection to his wife.

Guys, your visual temptations are not abnormal. (Tweet This!) They are challenging, and you all have told me that you wish you didn’t have them. But you need to know that they exist for most men in this culture.

The key, of course, is what you do about it.

As a woman who understands this topic, I want to thank those of you who are making those right choices every difficult day. You are trying as best you can to live pure, in an impure culture. There is no way to express how much that means to me as a woman, and – most importantly — to the woman in your life.

And to the men who perhaps haven’t been making the rigorous choice to keep your thoughts for your wife: can I challenge you?

Please. Step up to the high calling that God has for you.
Make the godly choices.

If you need help to do so, get it. Rigorously reserve those thoughts and actions, for your wife (or future wife). Because when you are home with your wife, the attraction and the action are, finally, allowed to be one and the same.


For more information on Craig Gross and Shaunti Feldhahn’s latest book and workshop watch this video.

Shaunti Feldhahn is a groundbreaking social researcher, popular speaker and the best-selling author of many books, including For Women Only and For Men Only. In her latest book, Through A Man’s Eyes, Shaunti has teamed up with Craig Gross, the founder of XXXchurch.com, to open women’s eyes to the visual nature of men and what it means for a husband, boyfriend or son. See menarevisual.com or shaunti.com for more.

The post Husbands, It’s Okay To Be Attracted To Images Of Other Women appeared first on XXXchurch.com.

3 Crucial Facts You Really Need To Know About A Man’s Brain

3-facts-mans-brainThe funniest movie moment I’ve seen this summer comes at the very end of Inside Out, as the main preteen girl character talks to a preteen boy at a hockey rink. We’ve been seeing inside her head the whole movie, but instantly the camera zooms out of her brain and into his…. where his mental control room is suddenly in chaos. The warning lights flash “GIRL! GIRL! GIRL!” and everything in his mind seizes up or turns somersaults.

My 12-year-old son saw that and said, “Actually… that’s pretty much what it feels like.”

If you are a girl or woman who didn’t know that you have the ability to create an electrical storm in the male brain, join the club. A few years ago, I was shocked as I first started learning some of this stuff! But since it’s actually really important, I investigated, for my newest book, Through A Man’s Eyes, to find out what goes on in the male brain when a man or boy sees certain things.

So here are three key facts we females usually don’t know about the male brain wiring – but really need to!

Fact #1: The male brain is physically different

I would say “Their brains are wired weird,” but that would get me in trouble. What I mean is this: men don’t just think differently than women, the structure of their brains is physically different. Not only that, the male brain has a completely different chemical-hormonal mix in many ways. And that structure and that chemical makeup are focused around processing life visually.

By contrast, the female brain is focused around processing life verbally and emotionally.

In other words, at the most simplistic level, a guy sees life while a woman feels and talks about life. (Tweet This!) Whether he is a 12-year-old boy or an 82-year-old man, it is impossible for a male to not be visually oriented – just as it is impossible for a woman not to experience emotions about certain things.

Fact #2: The sight of the female body triggers an involuntary sexual reaction.

Yes, I know it’s a huge shocker that men think about sex a lot. Check. But that’s not exactly what I mean.

Certain sights are automatically, biologically, sexual in nature to the male brain – which means those sights deliver a dose of pleasure regardless of whether the guy wants them to. For example, even a five-year-old boy, who has no idea what sex is, will have an instantaneous and gut-level feeling of pleasure when he sees the college-age babysitter whose clothes (or lack thereof) draw overt attention to a great figure. Even a fifty-year-old husband who loves and honors his wife, can have an involuntary, instantaneous spike of pleasure in his brain when the image of the provocative lingerie model flashes across the television screen before he can look away.

I’m sure that some of you – like me – are a bit surprised or disturbed at the notion of an involuntary pleasurable reaction. That is because our brain is wired completely differently. Thus, most women have never experienced any kind of involuntary, gut-level, sexually-pleasurable reaction to visual images. So we have no idea that men do. Every day.

There is, however, a brain parallel we can understand. Let’s say you haven’t eaten all day and you walk into a dinner party to find a mouthwatering buffet across the room. In that split-second, a center in the back of your brain called the nucleus accumbens lights up and triggers an instinctive reaction: I want to consume that. Zero thought involved. It’s an automatic response.

Well, the same thing happens to a guy when he sees a woman dressed in a way that calls overt attention to her knockout figure. His nucleus accumbens lights up, triggering an automatic sense of pleasure and desire. He doesn’t desire the person, exactly, but that image. (Tweet This!) And it’s critical to remember that his brain did that involuntarily.

He is then very tempted to actually look at that sexy image – to “consume” it, so to speak — because doing so would continue that dose of pleasure in his brain.

Fact #3: After the biological reaction comes the mental choice

So then the $10 million question is: what happens next in that visual brain of his?

In the next split-second after the nucleus accumbens lights up involuntarily, the cortical (thinking) centers kick in at the front of the brain. This is where the thought process, will, and decision-making occur. Suddenly, the man has a decision to make: to actually savor the sight of that attractive woman in the clingy outfit… or to look away and honor God and (if he’s married) his wife in his thought life? Remember, the first reaction (temptation/desire) was automatic, biological, and involuntary; the next step will be a choice.

How your husband, boyfriend, or son might actually handle that choice, and what you can do about it, is a topic for another day (and one we cover thoroughly in Through a Man’s Eyes).

For now, let’s venture to agree on the fact that although this visual wiring might seem foreign – and even, for some of us, alarming! – it appears that God created men’s and women’s brains to work in these ways. And if so, that means He created men to be visual and intends that to be a good thing, not a bad one!

Yes, this wiring can certainly pose challenges for modern men as they are confronted with sights in public that they were only supposed to see in private. As many wives have sadly seen firsthand, some men have become trapped in bad choices that become unhealthy for them and very hurtful for the relationship. (Although thankfully, many wives have also seen that understanding this temptation can be a vital step in moving their man toward healing.)

But this wiring can also be a wonderful thing. After all, remember: when a man looks at his bride, he can fully enjoy that nucleus accumbens lighting up! And then both of them can then enjoy everything that comes with it!


For more information on Shaunti’s latest book and workshop watch this video.

Shaunti Feldhahn is a groundbreaking social researcher, popular speaker and the best-selling author of many books, including For Women Only and For Men Only. In her latest book, Through A Man’s Eyes, Shaunti has teamed up with Craig Gross, the founder of XXXchurch.com, to open women’s eyes to the visual nature of men and what it means for a husband, boyfriend or son. See menarevisual.com or shaunti.com for more.

The post 3 Crucial Facts You Really Need To Know About A Man’s Brain appeared first on XXXchurch.com.

Sexy Vixens in London

I thought I would write into this blog as my mate is getting married and he needs me to plan his stag do party. We would like to surprise him with some really hot and sexy vixens. First of all, we thought about pole dancers or lap dancers, but then someone suggested escorts. The problem is that I have never dated escorts and I am not sure if there even are escorts here in London. Another friend suggested we try central London escort services but they are super expensive. Personally, I would like to make an effort to find London escorts services at first. Henry in London

Mike: Yes, there are London escorts services like http://cityofeve.com/ and you will not be disappointed in the girls that you meet. If you follow the links on this page, you will be able to find what you are looking for. Before you call the agency check out the girls and find out if you would like to date a blonde, brunette or a redhead. Once you have decided on that, you will need to read the girl’s biography and find out what services she offers. If you are not familiar with any of the terms, just call the agency and they will explain.

Nick: Are you sure you want escorts? London escorts services offer party girl services as well, and let me tell you that they are every bit as hot. I used them for my friend’s stag party and we had an amazing time. I have dated some seriously hot babes in my day, but I can’t remember meeting girls like these ones before. They were dressed to kill and thrill, and we were thrilled alright? We all had one of the hottest night out on town that we had since forever, and we know use party girl services on a regular basis. Check them out yourself by following the links on this page.

Stephen: You have nothing to be worried about but it could work out to be quite an expensive evening. I arranged my friend’s stag party and we had a very hot and interesting, but I let the agency help me out. The easiest way was to call the agency and explain the plan of attack. It turned out that they had some specialist talent that enjoyed doing stag parties so that is what I booked. At the end of the night we ended up with lap dancers and escorts. It was totally wild and I would do it again any day.

Booking and arranging stag parties is a big deal in the UK. If you are looking for some sexy female companionship and London escorts, it could be an idea to call a London escorts service. They have a lot of experience in arranging hot and steamy stag parties, and you will be impressed with the amount of talented girls they can supply. If you would like to have a truly hot night, it could be a good idea to do what Stephen did. Simply ask the agency to help you to arrange everything, after all they will have a lot of experience in these matters.

 

An Open Letter To Pornography

open-letter-to-pornographyNote: We received this letter from a woman named Jennifer. We thought this was great and wanted to share it with all of you. Hopefully this will help those of you who are either struggling with a porn addiction or married to a person who is. 

Dear Pornography,

I never personally knew you – it was my husband who introduced us

First in a Fitness magazine, then in the rejection of my touch

I always smelled your stench

My own hands released the buttons of my wedding gown

An occasion meant for the fingers of my groom

That hotel pillow was not fluffed enough to carry the weight of my tears

With skewed intimacy as your weapon, you robbed us of connection (Tweet This!)

My husband a perfect victim

An involuntary organ donor, you extracted his heart

Before raping the beauty of our sex, you claim it was consensual

Yet your memories often tainted the sacred of our sheets

Much like the photos that polluted the memory of his phone

His eyelids had been branded

Visions of you are what he saw – your silhouette between us

Two souls God designed to be one, more detached than ever before

You were number three

The woman on the side yet you lived inside our home

Call it a silent affair

A quiet addiction whose dealer is mobile – his crack house inside your pocket

Pornography

Your business is booming

40 million Americans devoted to you

You yield more revenue than the NBA, MLB, and NFL combined

Yet we don’t attribute it to sex slavery – we say, “It’s only done online”

So 50% of marriages are breaking while 50 Shades of Grey is breaking box office records

While little boys are taught that your affects are natural, recreational

You are not Xbox

You get them while they’re young

I worry for my future son

Defenseless consumers whose innocence you breach

Unlocking doors of their minds too narrow to be opened

My husband was one of them

He met you at 12 he’s now 1 of 200,000

Young men who are led by older brothers and peers

On expeditions of images through pornhub and smartphones

An encourager of secrets, you often hide in the dark

A monster under beds only your snarl goes unheard

Pornography

You’ve taught me I’m not beautiful unless I am porn

That you are a war and men are your casualty

Naked women on screens now gunshots to my ears

I am your veteran

I thought prayer would act as antidote to his illness

But the fine print never told him that your side effects are lethal (Tweet This!)

Silent killer of relationships

Your fingerprints were found on the body bag of our marriage

Pornography

I always knew I smelled your stench

It still lingers through the hallways of my heart

Sincerely
Jennifer


X3_Groups-Small.pngIf you are the spouse of a man struggling with pornography there is help for you too. His journey is yours also. Join an X3group JUST FOR SPOUSES and connect with other women just like you. Right NOW you can join any group and get your first 30 days for HALF OFF with Discount Code X3HALF.

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Are Women Really Any Less Visual Than Men?

magic-mike-aThree summers ago, a low-budget movie, overseen by an Oscar-winning director known for being “artsy” and nontraditional in his approach, and featuring unproven star-on-the-rise Channing Tatum and then-punchline Matthew McConaughey, debuted to surprising success. A nominal rags-to-riches story that explored the “seedy” side of the world of male stripping (based in part on Tatum’s own pre-fame experiences as an exotic dancer), Magic Mike roared out of the gate with a $39.1 million opening weekend, on its way to a domestic gross of $113.7 million.

That’s a terrific return on investment for a film that only cost 7 million bucks to make.

So what caused this film to be such a success?

According to Box Office Mojo’s analytic write-up of the film’s opening weekend, it was women:

The aspirational plot, which can be a bit of a downer, was largely ignored in favor of glimpses at stripping scenes involving an assortment of outrageous outfits. Instead of portraying the dark, seedy side of the movie’s world, the ads focused on the fun and excitement (not to mention plenty of abs). Late in the game, as the movie was building steam, Warner Bros. ramped up the ‘event movie’ signals to try and get large groups of women to ditch their boyfriends and head to the movies. As expected, the men didn’t really come along: the audience was 73 percent women, and 57 percent under the age of 35.

73%! That means, roughly, that 3 of every 4 tickets sold during that magical weekend were sold to women. The film did so well, in fact, that Warner Brothers is released a sequel this summer, Magic Mike XXL.

My friend Shaunti Feldhahn and I recently wrote a book called Through a Man’s Eyes: Helping Women Understand the Visual Nature of Men. It’s about how men process the world visually (Tweet This!), meaning we tend to stop and stare, especially when beautiful women are around. It doesn’t excuse that behavior, but it helps explain why we do what we do.

But then we started thinking about the phenomenon of Magic Mike and its sequel, and we asked ourselves the question: Did we write the wrong book? Aren’t women visual, too? (Tweet This!)

After all: they’re the ones who bought tickets to stare at Channing Tatum’s abs up on that screen.

Sure, a lot of women turned Magic Mike into a verified surprise hit. And that was news.

And that’s why we know we’re on the right track with our book.

Magic Mike (and, presumably, its sequel) is a film that became newsworthy because it served up eye candy for women. (Tweet This!) That was a big deal.

You know what isn’t a big deal? A movie that serves up eye candy for men.

That’s the default. Throw a dart at the “now playing” section of Fandango and you’ll probably find a film that shows off some woman’s curves, cleavage, or more. It isn’t surprising, it isn’t mind-blowing, and it sure isn’t news.


For more on Craig and Shaunti’s new book Through A Man’s Eyes: Helping Women Understand the Visual Nature of Men visit www.menarevisual.com.

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