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Dating Blackheath escorts
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6 Ways to Love a Friend When Her Husband Has Confessed Porn Addiction

blog-to-love-a-friendWe recently received this email from someone whose friend’s husband just confessed porn addiction:

“My friend just told me that her husband has been addicted to porn throughout their entire marriage. I have just listened to her and empathized with her, telling her I cannot imagine how she must be feeling, etc.

We are Christians so it has been helpful seeking the Lord on how to respond, but I also do not want to give a “pat Christian answer” as those usually are not helpful. I was wondering if you have any advice on how I can be a supportive friend in this process? I would greatly appreciate any thoughts you have on this.”

This person’s desire to not give a “pat Christian answer” is a wise one – it’s so often what we do, right?

Why do we do that anyway?

It seems that something inside of most of us is not capable of dealing with the unresolvable tensions and suffering that are the hallmark of the human experience. One of the most common ways we try to resolve that tension is by giving our friends advice they didn’t necessarily ask for.

But since advice here has been requested, here’s my best shot at six ways to love your friend after her husband confessed porn addiction:

1) Understand that there are no victims here.

Yes, people can be hurt, and that sometimes that hurt requires some sort of action that puts space between people – but the truth is that we’re all hurting. Porn addiction is one way of dealing with a specific hurt that has been within a person for a long, long time. If you label your friend the victim and her husband the criminal, that will not help bring healing.

Instead, know that they both have a sacred path to walk, and that it is meant for their transformation as well. Do your best to see the long road behind your friend along with the longer one in front of her and know that God is with her there.

2) Learn just to sit with her.

The practice of being present with another person allows for what Martin Buber described as “The Eternal Thou” to be present between you. When we are silent and do not grab the reins of control in a situation, we invite the Holy Spirit to dwell in that place between us and the other person and then, perhaps, the answers that come will be helpful and healing. Be still and breathe deeply.

Be aware of your own internal experience. There will be time for words later.

recover-org-inline3) Trust the art of healing touch.

Our hugs and touch can communicate rescue or they can communicate presence in very powerful, nonverbal ways. If you are present, then the Spirit of God can be in your touch.

4) Understand that suffering is part of how it works.

There are two forces that come from God and are at work to redeem the world: creativity and entropy.

Breaking down is crucial for building up.

You need not rob (or rescue) your friend of her suffering, because that can change her, too – this is part of what Jesus was talking about when he said that if we seek to save our lives, we’ll lose them. But if we seek to lose our lives, we find life in all its abundance.

Your friend’s suffering is larger than just some concept of victimhood, so ask her what she needs from you and restrain yourself from putting a happy face on things.

5) Some well-timed, sugar-laced concoction can be nice.

No need to place orders… she’s your friend and you know what she loves. Provide some nonverbal comfort in the form of a small treat.

6) Connect her with others in similar struggles.

There’s nothing quite like hearing that someone else is going through the same thing that you are. Recover.org is a new place for women who need help recovering from sexual betrayal. Share this resource with your friend and let her draw strength from other women who have been in exactly the same place.

True friendship is an art. And we were given to each other to walk this sacred path of death and rebirth together. Blessings to you as you learn to be present in the eye of your friend’s storm. 

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It’s Time to Confess Your Porn Addiction: 3 Ways to Prepare Your Significant Other for the Truth

blog-3-waysIf you’re a Christian of a certain brand, you may have been told when you got married that your body “belonged” to your spouse. In my upbringing, I was taught that our bodies were temples of the Holy Spirit and that, when I got married, my wife in some way now owned my body. And I owned hers. So when she found out I was looking at pornography, she understandably felt like something had been stolen from her.

In this experience, we were forced to face the hard truth that we had made some promises to each other with very little maturity and understanding of the complexity we each embodied. When she found out about my porn addiction, all that really happened was that she finally saw that my body was never hers… nor was it mine.

In actuality, my body had been co-opted long ago by pain, heartbreak, emotional abandonment, and a god of my creation that hated my guts. While I was an addict, my body like a zombie: not living, but not really dead. So I lived in this semi-conscious state, moving towards whatever I had to have to keep on surviving, while never actually thriving. This is what addiction is.

It is my belief that an honest conversation with our partners is a vital and important step into the actual death that is necessary within each person if they are going to step into the sacred journey that is the pilgrimage to health and healing. So – here are 3 ways to prepare your significant other for you the truth to confess your porn addiction:

1. Have the conversation with a trusted friend first. And I mean TRUSTED.

That means there is no judgment or need to call you out. Find someone who will simply listen and tell you their experience of you. Advice can be helpful, but not necessary. You just need some space to let your voice be heard.

2. Have the conversation inside of yourself.

Find some quiet and isolation (your car works great for this) and run the conversation in your mind. Feel your internal experience as you do this. See the face of your partner. Speak whatever comes up, even if it doesn’t seem rational.

If you find yourself wanting to rage on them instead of confessing your sins, allow for that. Determine that you are not going to suppress your feelings or truth anymore, no matter how ugly.

When you are done with this process, you might find that you have come to peace with the truth about your relationship and perhaps you can finally be honest.

3. Have the conversation with God.

This can be complicated because the god you might be carrying with you could be part of the problem. The goal is to get past the god of judgment, fear, and condemnation and experience God: The One who knew you before you were conceived, who loved you there and has loved you that way ever since.

You may have a god of a different sort residing within you because of the way you were raised or experiences you’ve had that turned your ideas about this god into a toxic cocktail of mom/dad/church/pastor. That god cannot be trusted – and you may need to speak to that god first and ask it why it hates you so much.

When that has happened, I’d be willing to bet that you’ll find a presence on the other side waiting to reveal Itself to you. And when God becomes real, speaking truth becomes easier because Grace comes to live within us, driving the shame and the guilt back into the shadows.

Blessings on those who choose to step into the light. May it reveal the shadows within you and give you the courage to find your voice and step onto the sacred path of transformation.

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5 Questions to Ask Yourself When Your Boyfriend Looks at Porn

blog-template-boyfriend-and-pornThere’s an ache in me that’s impossible to ignore. It’s strange and frustrating, because the last thing I want to do is make the situation worse, but oh, how it hurts. He looked at porn again. My boyfriend’s mind wandered and he watched porn. I feel simultaneously hurt by him and sad for him because this sin is one that shakes my core and it is one that he fights so hard to shake, but struggles so much with. My boyfriend looks at porn.

I know there are others who are in the same situation as I am, others whose boyfriend looks at porn, and as we ask the question, “So what do I do?” we can feel alone. We aren’t alone, though. I took my question to the foremost world expert in all the things (Google) and it gave me advice on how to accept his porn habit, reasons why it’s okay that my boyfriend looks at porn, and how I could maybe watch porn with him. Mr. Google seems to think that a boyfriend looking at your phone is a bigger issue than when your boyfriend looks at porn.

I walked away from my computer and made a cup of tea to calm my outrage at the world and Google, and came back to think through the steps that I’ve found helpful in the moments of pain after my boyfriend confesses his sin of looking at porn to me. I’m writing them down for you, but also for me. Something to come back to as I continue to seek to walk this frustrating journey in sinful flesh with the guy I love.

Here they are: five questions to ask yourself when your boyfriend looks at porn.

1. Did he tell you, or did you find out some other way?

It’s important that you have open communication about this. Sin loves secrecy, and one of the main ways we combat sin is by bringing it into the light—by confessing it. As much as it hurts to be told, if he’s taken the huge step of confessing to you, then it’s worth taking a second and being thankful for that much before you start reacting.

He’s included you, and now you get to face this thing together. If he didn’t tell you, then I’d encourage you to think seriously about why he didn’t tell you and what that means for your relationship.

2. Is this act a reflection on you, or is it something else? 

recover-org-inlineOne of the biggest mistakes we can make is assuming that because someone we love looks at porn, we’re not good enough for them. The reality is that if you’re dating, then you shouldn’t be enough, because God’s good design for sex is within marriage.

For now, as much as we’d like to believe that sexual frustration isn’t real, it’s there, and you probably feel it too, even if it is to a lesser extent than the one you’re dating.

Him looking at porn isn’t about you.

But it hurts you because it feels like you aren’t beautiful or worthy or loveable, but ultimately, it’s something that he probably struggled with long before you showed up, and his brain is wired to go to porn for relief. That’s a tough battle to fight in a culture that says porn is okay.

Take a breath. Remember your worth is not in your boyfriend’s mind, but in God’s eyes, and remember that his actions aren’t a direct reflection on you. It hurts you, so much, but it isn’t about you.

3) What part of yourself are you going to speak from? 

It’s hard to do, but we should be speaking grace, not shame. I’m tempted to speak out of the anger that I feel, to make him feel more ashamed, to make him feel the weight of the damage he’s doing to my self-esteem, to be indignant and then end the conversation.

But grace is something different.

Do you remember the story about Jesus and the woman caught in adultery? It captured my heart long ago. A woman is caught in the midst of adultery and dragged in front of a crowd. Imagine that shame, imagine the vulnerability.

People are ready to throw stones at her, since the punishment for adultery is death, and someone gets Jesus involved. Jesus’ response to their challenge about the Law is to draw in the sand, and when he eventually stands, he says “whoever is without sin, let him cast the first stone.” And everyone goes. Jesus, then, speaks to the woman with grace… The only one who could cast that first stone, chose to speak grace.

We’re all guilty of something, we all have shame, and the relief I feel when I remember that Jesus speaks to me with grace, not condemnation is impossible to express.

As much as your stomach is twisting with knots of sadness and anger, choose grace in that moment. Choose to remind him of grace, and then speak out of that place. Remind him of forgiveness. Remind him that though he feels filthy, Jesus has made him clean.

Remind him that He is still loved. Once you remind him, and yourself, of these things, talk about the pain you feel yourself, talk about your reactions and how his sin has hurt you. Do not perpetuate shame; perpetuate honesty. Sin loves shame, too.

4. What happens next? 

This is a hard one. It’s all up to you here. If you’re not willing to stick around for this, and that isn’t a bad thing at all, then tell him that. Tell him why. Be honest. Encourage him to fight. If you want to stick around, then tell him that you’ll be there, that you want him to beat this, that you’re on his side, and work out what his next steps are.

For me, it’s making sure he has accountability outside of me, and that we set up safeguards to make sure that he can’t access porn easily again.

Moving forward may also mean that you make deliberate decisions about your own physical intimacy and decide scale it back so that you’re not tempting each other. Your relationship is more than your physicality, I assure you.

5. Are you okay? 

Make sure that you’re okay, because if you’re not, that’s also okay. It’s alright to be knocked around by what he’s done, but it isn’t alright to shove those emotions down deep and ignore them. That won’t end well.

I have a trusted friend I can go to when I’m hurt. I can speak with her and be prayed for, and I need that to be available for my own mental health. I need a safe space to say how hurt I am, and to be reminded that I am loved.

It isn’t easy, this journey we’re on. Relationships aren’t easy in a porn-saturated world, but we don’t have to accept porn addiction and we don’t have to ignore it. We need to be able to work together with our partner in fighting it.

Redemption is possible—just look at that woman caught in adultery. Jesus will not abandon us. He will not abandon those we love either.

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Friday Rant: You Gotta Have Friends When You’re Married

gotta-have-friends[Note: Every Friday we post a new rant from one of our writers, edited only for typos and spelling. This new series is not for those easily offended or for those who only like to play nice. So read this before you start posting your comments.]

Do you remember those friends who got married before you did, and then you didn’t know if you could hang out with them anymore, so you left them alone?

You thought since they got married they had no time left at all for you and their other friends, and then over time you grew apart because you didn’t call, they were too busy (so you thought) just having sex all day and night long, etc.

Then then you got married and besides being in each others wedding you really weren’t even friends anymore?

Maybe that didn’t happen, but I talk to a lot of people who lose contact with their friends once married, and also people who say they gain 10 pounds in the first year of marriage.

Not sure if one or both of those happened to you.

Maybe neither, BUT then you had a first kid. Your newly married couple friends are not as excited about your kid because they are either not wanting kids yet or they are trying, and either way the thought of your kid is not as cool to them as it is to you.

Your Instagram feed was cool pre-kid, but now it is just filled with baby photos. Heck your baby might even have its own Instagram account these days but guess what… besides your mom, dad, or grandmother, no one really cares to see your kid… especially if it means they don’t get to see you anymore.

I have seen two things happen being married now 18 years.

The first I explained earlier.

1. Friends let their newly married friends enjoy marriage and don’t seem to stay engaged in the friendship early on in marriage and that is a bummer.

Don’t be that friend.

Keep in contact… keep in touch, and stay in engaged with your married friends. Marriage is great, but friendships are needed before marriage, during marriage, and later in life when a spouse is passed after marriage.

The second thing I have seen happen, and it is the same, but the married person is now at fault. Baby #1 comes and then maybe baby #2.

2. The married person is now juggling being married, working or being home with the kid, and has no time to even think about others.

This is a huge bummer.

Kids are great… babies not so much as fun as kids, just being honest. They sleep a lot and don’t say much. Having two myself at an early age I can tell you that it isn’t the toughest thing at all in life.

When you have kids, don’t let them take away from your time with your spouse and your time with your friends. Now, yes things change. I am not talking about checking out as a parent, but you all know who I am talking about here…

“I haven’t been on a date in 9 months.”
“I can’t leave my baby at the church nursery.”
“I don’t even have time to shower.”
“I am exhausted.”

Yeah, news flash. It doesn’t get easier.

Teenagers don’t sleep 16 hours a day. Just wait. You will be wishing they did when you are dropping them off at dance, driving across town, coaching the soccer team, and doing all those things laughing about “nap time with your infant.”

Learn how to handle this stuff early on or don’t have kids.

Kids are not suppose to rob you of your life and especially your relationship with your spouse. If you kid is still in your bed and he is 3 your marriage is in trouble. Just being honest.

If you don’t have time to shower, I am sorry, that is not a huge turn-on for your spouse.

If you have no time for a date with your spouse and won’t leave your kid with a sitter your marriage is not as important as that baby and it should be the other way around.

So, how does this relate to friends….

Well, your spouse is your best friend, but in addition to your spouse, we all need friends to do life with.

Telling your friends to check back in with you after the baby… guess what: bad idea. Then baby #2, then they have a baby, and then 10 years go by and you look back and you are lonely and lost in your marriage and your parenting because you have no outside voices in your life.

I am just letting you know that your friends won’t be there when you are ready to respond, and when I look at my parents’ generation, a lot of them had this kind of thinking. I look at the widows and older couples I know and few of them have friends left.

I have tried to be intentional on friendships.
I Make time for friends.
I find friends who breathe life into my life and family, not suck the life out of me.

Those types of friends you want and need in your life.

Life is busy. Yeah, we all get that, but people need other people.

Women need women in their lives.
Men need men in their lives.
Couples need couple friends in their lives.
Families need family friends in their lives.

Make time for this.
Make time for your relationship with your spouse.

If the last 20 posts on your Instagram feed are just a picture of your drooling baby… there are problems. Leave him at home with grandma and go on a date, or call some old friends and get out of the house and shower.

Some friends are divorced now… that is a common theme in my life, but it took them 12 years in their marriage to go on an overnight date without their kids. You wonder why they’re divorced?

You want to be that mom or dad that doesn’t trust anyone with your kid… or that crazy mom that has some rule that only one family member that she appoints can ever watch the kid?  No. Don’t be that person.

Your kids need you, but if all day every day is only about your kids you are in trouble.

I’m off to see Britney Spears with Jeanette and some friends. They have three kids. They live in Washington. They flew in a babysitter. We have two different ones and it is harder than hell sometimes to pull stuff like this off, but you do it because relationships matter and that is something I need my kids to see.

I wrote this about friendship last year –   and I am 18 days and counting from year 9!

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