If you’re a Christian of a certain brand, you may have been told when you got married that your body “belonged” to your spouse. In my upbringing, I was taught that our bodies were temples of the Holy Spirit and that, when I got married, my wife in some way now owned my body. And I owned hers. So when she found out I was looking at pornography, she understandably felt like something had been stolen from her.
In this experience, we were forced to face the hard truth that we had made some promises to each other with very little maturity and understanding of the complexity we each embodied. When she found out about my porn addiction, all that really happened was that she finally saw that my body was never hers… nor was it mine.
In actuality, my body had been co-opted long ago by pain, heartbreak, emotional abandonment, and a god of my creation that hated my guts. While I was an addict, my body like a zombie: not living, but not really dead. So I lived in this semi-conscious state, moving towards whatever I had to have to keep on surviving, while never actually thriving. This is what addiction is.
It is my belief that an honest conversation with our partners is a vital and important step into the actual death that is necessary within each person if they are going to step into the sacred journey that is the pilgrimage to health and healing. So – here are 3 ways to prepare your significant other for you the truth to confess your porn addiction:
1. Have the conversation with a trusted friend first. And I mean TRUSTED.
That means there is no judgment or need to call you out. Find someone who will simply listen and tell you their experience of you. Advice can be helpful, but not necessary. You just need some space to let your voice be heard.
2. Have the conversation inside of yourself.
Find some quiet and isolation (your car works great for this) and run the conversation in your mind. Feel your internal experience as you do this. See the face of your partner. Speak whatever comes up, even if it doesn’t seem rational.
If you find yourself wanting to rage on them instead of confessing your sins, allow for that. Determine that you are not going to suppress your feelings or truth anymore, no matter how ugly.
When you are done with this process, you might find that you have come to peace with the truth about your relationship and perhaps you can finally be honest.
3. Have the conversation with God.
This can be complicated because the god you might be carrying with you could be part of the problem. The goal is to get past the god of judgment, fear, and condemnation and experience God: The One who knew you before you were conceived, who loved you there and has loved you that way ever since.
You may have a god of a different sort residing within you because of the way you were raised or experiences you’ve had that turned your ideas about this god into a toxic cocktail of mom/dad/church/pastor. That god cannot be trusted – and you may need to speak to that god first and ask it why it hates you so much.
When that has happened, I’d be willing to bet that you’ll find a presence on the other side waiting to reveal Itself to you. And when God becomes real, speaking truth becomes easier because Grace comes to live within us, driving the shame and the guilt back into the shadows.
Blessings on those who choose to step into the light. May it reveal the shadows within you and give you the courage to find your voice and step onto the sacred path of transformation.
Tired of feeling like freedom from pornography or sex addiction is impossible? That it’s an endless “battle?” Check out MyPilgrimage.com and discover that freedom from addiction is possible and something you can really experience.
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