Let’s talk about sex and intimacy in marriage. Have you ever thought that your sex life could be better and your intimacy level could be deeper? How about the thought of using porn to try to achieve those things? My husband and I thought that porn was okay at one point, but it didn’t work. Pornography is out of the picture and our sex life and intimacy couldn’t be better. Because sex is better without porn. Here are three reasons why:
When pornography takes hold of your life, it becomes a locked cage in terms of what you think sex should be. I had a set thinking about sex because of porn, where I used to think I had to look and act a certain way to have good sex. Porn gave me a performance mindset that put pressure on the way we had sex, and that mindset became worse over time.
Pornography desensitizes you to where you always feel you must be doing more in order to satisfy your spouse. I remember getting to the point of trying my best to imitate the flavor of the week. I didn’t enjoy it. I felt nothing but shame. But I did it because I thought that was what my husband wanted.
Now that we have chosen recovery, God, and each other, there is freedom in the bedroom. I can breathe! I’m able to be myself. I don’t feel the pressure of performance or standards and my confidence has had a huge boost. I don’t have to worry that my husband won’t love me if I don’t perform like a porn star – he loves me just the way I am.
I also know that he enjoys the sex more now because he’s not comparing. He is able to bask in the glory of something that is uniquely ours. Because of all of that, I am able to just let go and purely enjoy the moment, which obviously makes for better sex.
Porn is selfish in nature. Think about it; why do you look at porn? Plain and simple: instant gratification. Gratification that is gained through no means of sacrifice or compromise, just selfishness.
When my husband was watching porn, there was definite selfishness in the bedroom. Having sex was more about how to please him and less about how to please each other. I felt used. I began to resent every time that we would have sex. Even worse, I began to resent my husband. It was awful. There was no feeling of love or mutual gain – it was just selfish.
With porn no longer in our lives, sex has become more about the both of us. We are both wanting to be intimate with one another. I cannot get enough of my husband! There is less selfishness and more selflessness. We put each other first. Sex is no longer about taking, it’s about giving.
We don’t expect perfection. We don’t expect imitation; it is just us, as we are, wanting to show our love for each other. There is no better sex than when both people are serving each other.
3) Real Connection
Porn seemed to suck the life out of our intimate connection. When it came to sex, I didn’t feel like he could even see me. I felt like an object. I built up a wall that wouldn’t allow me to connect. I constantly wondered whom he was comparing me to. Eventually, I stopped feeling anything at all. Now that was horrible sex. Who wants to have sex with someone who is so lifeless, so dull?
Since we kicked porn to the curb, we have this authentic vulnerability. We have grown closer through having sex. Now that is an awesome feeling! I no longer yearn for deeper connection; now we see each other. All the fakeness that pornography infringed upon us is gone. We’re able to talk to one another about what is working and what’s not. (Which, duh, learning what the other person likes makes sex a whole lot better!) We are able to be open with one another. There is no embarrassment if something silly happens; we just laugh. There is no shame. No shame at all. Sex without shame and embarrassment is incredible! It is the sex life that God intended.
Our culture lies when it comes to porn. Porn is selfish. Your sex life doesn’t have to be. Don’t buy into the lies – sex is better without porn. If you want to have a deeper connection, selflessness, and freedom in the bedroom, kick porn out! My husband and I did and the outcome is enormous joy. We had no idea what we were missing. I couldn’t ask for a better spouse or a better sex life.
There is hope and healing for women who have been hurt by sexual betrayal. Recover.org is a brand new program launching this fall just for women who need to find restoration and peace after the damage done to them by a spouse’s infidelity.