3 Things That Kept This Pastor Stuck

xxxchurch - 3 Things That Kept This Pastor On PornI can clearly remember the crushing weight of carrying my secret porn addiction onto the church stage each week. It felt like a million pounds on my chest. At times I wondered whether or not a person could die from stress. If so, I certainly felt like a candidate.

I would regularly commit to myself that this will be the last time, only to find myself feeling frustrated and defeated after ‘acting out’ again. I felt like I had tried everything. I used X3watch. I tried avoiding the internet. I got “accountabili-buddies.” I prayed, pleaded, and begged God to save me from myself. But no matter what I did, the problem only seemed to get worse.

My life went on like that for twelve frustrating years before I finally found a sponsor, a support group, and, eventually, my freedom. Since then I’ve not only learned how to break the bonds of addiction in my life, I’ve also learned a lot about what I did that kept me living out destructive patterns over and over again.

If you’re anything like me and you are still carrying around a secret that is killing you, watch out for these things. One or some of them could be why you’re still struggling to find success.

1. Pride is chronic. 

Everyone is prideful to some degree – no one is immune. It was pride that drove me to say things like, “If I could just…” or “All I need to do is…” But the truth is, I was powerless to control my tendency to do the wrong thing. And my life had become unmanageable. (If those last two sentences sound familiar, it’s because they’re two of the twelve steps in recovery.)

If you’re struggling to conquer your sin, a prideful attitude may be what’s standing in your way. In that case, the prescription is to work toward understanding that you’re powerless. This can be tough for pastors and church leaders, because we’re supposed to have all the answers, right? But even we are powerless against our addictions, and the sooner we accept that, the sooner we can get a handle on them.

2. A jacked-up view of God.

God is all powerful, right? Of course, He is! I never had a problem believing that. I grew up going to church and was always completely familiar with God’s power. My problem was that I didn’t believe God wanted to help ME. I prayed fervently for God to remove my affliction. When He didn’t seem to be doing so, I took it as evidence that He was done with me.

If that resonates with you, then you’re experiencing shame. Shame is the belief that, while others simply make mistakes, you ARE a mistake. Breaking away from shame is no easy task, but it can be done. If you need a good place to begin, start with what the Bible says about you in 2 Corinthians 5:21; Romans 5:8; Romans 8:37-39.

3. It wasn’t painful enough yet. 

One time I called my sponsor after I had just relapsed. I whined about my defeat and asked why I had failed. I’ll never forget his response:

Any living creature, in pain for long enough, will eventually do something about it. I know you’re in pain, but maybe you’re not in enough pain to do what is necessary for you to get better. It’s not the end of the world. It just means you haven’t hit your bottom yet. Don’t worry you’ll get there.”

I did, and it hurt. But it finally hurt enough for me to do something about it.

Do you see any or all of these three things happening in your life? Today can be the day of your redemption, the day you turn it around for good.

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Can I Take Sexy Photos of Myself for My Husband?

xxxchurch - Can I Take Sexy Photos of Myself for My Husband-You’re wondering if taking those risky photos for your husband is okay during his recovery from porn or if it will trigger him to use again. I get it. It sounds innocent enough.

I mean, it is photos of yourself for your spouse.

Technically speaking, you are staying in the lines of what should be accepted into a marital sex life. But, there are some reasons it may be a no go.

Here are a few of thoughts to ponder through before doing a boudoir shoot or something else of that nature:

1. What are YOUR motives in having these photos done?

I know that may seem like the answer is simple, but it’s not. When I was in the midst of my husband’s addiction to pornography, I thought that maybe having sexy photos done of myself would curb his appetite for other forms of pornography. It did none of that.

In fact, he continued to look at porn AND my pictures to find his pleasurable result. I just contributed to him looking at pictures and masturbating to them. When it comes down to it, he said that it felt like I was giving him PERMISSION to continue in the addiction.

Another motive that I had, but just didn’t realize, was so I could feel “as good as” the women in the porn he liked. Pretty twisted, right? Think about it: when our husband’s look at pornography, it makes us feel less than. We feel like we don’t measure up somehow. This is not the truth in any way, shape or form. Our husband’s pornography addiction truly has NOTHING to do with us.

Yet, we still feel unworthy at first. So, in my entangled web of thoughts, I figured that I could prove to him and myself that I do measure up through giving him what I thought he needed. That idea backfired and only left me feeling used.

346x396-recover-inline2You may have not even thought about what the photos could do to you and YOUR recovery. Taking the photos, and then seeing the pleasure that your husband would undoubtedly get from them, could cause some triggers of your own. I know that it set off all the internal triggers of not feeling good enough, having no worth, being a sex object, being a less than wife and reliving all of my husband’s actions.

If those motives sound familiar, you probably should not be taking boudoir photos. Don’t go backward in your recovery. Go forward.

2. Pornography addiction is just that: ADDICTION. With any addiction, there is a cycle.

According to Rob Weiss, LCSW on January 20, 2015, in Sex Addiction Expert Blogs, pornography, and sex addiction cycles look like this: Triggers – Fantasy – Ritualization – Behavior- Numbing – Despair-Triggers.

This means that there are triggers which begin a behavior that leads to the end pleasurable result that leads to despair which starts the cycle all over again. If your hubby is struggling or has struggled with pornography this cycle is true for him. Addictive behavior has triggers. Some of those triggers could simply be “sexy” photos.

While the photos would be of you, the photos could still cause the addictive behavior cycle because they could very well be a trigger. If you are anything like me, the last thing you want to do is possibly trigger your husband to use again. Be an advocate for HIS recovery, not a stumbling block.

3. Lastly, when having Boudoir photos done, it possesses the questions of who is taking them, how are they being stored and where (if you are) are you getting prints?

If anyone other than your husband is taking the photos, you are allowing someone to see you in a way that is reserved for only your husband. In this day and age of technology, if you are storing the photos on any device, that leaves the door open to your photos accidentally making it onto the internet. If you are having the photos printed, who is printing them?

If you are printing them anywhere outside of your home, you are again allowing other people to see you in a way that only your husband should. If you are printing them at home and storing the physical photos at home, what actions are you taking to ensure your children (or anyone that is not your husband) will not get a hold of them?

All of the actual steps to have the photos need to be thought through thoroughly.

Bottom line here: While there may be some gray areas, if you are looking to spice things up in the bedroom, try to always do it in the flesh together.

Buy some nice lingerie and wear it in person for your husband. Start having conversations about your sex life with each other. Open up the door to honesty and deep conversation.

Instead of spicing it up through actively condoning masturbation, start creating some real intimacy. Real intimacy will make your marriage better! Build up a deeper, genuine relationship. Taking pictures can never compare to the REAL thing.

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