4 Ways To Respond To Your Spouse’s Porn Problem

As an author and speaker about the inner thoughts and feelings of men, including the visual nature of men, I get a lot of questions from my audiences, like this very common one: “I just discovered my spouse is using porn and am devastated. What should I do?

My team and I always want to have answers, but since we are social researchers and not counselors, we interviewed Michael Todd Wilson to get his take on this. Michael Todd (MT) is a licensed professional counselor and a certified sex therapist who we highly respect. He gives counsel and advice to men and women all over the country on these topics, and we wanted to tap into his wisdom for a series of articles based on our interviews with him.

What follows is professional and practical advice for the person who has discovered their spouse using porn. For simplicity, we wrote from the viewpoint of a wife discovering her husband’s porn habit, as that is the majority of cases, but the same advice would apply if the roles are reversed.

This advice also assumes the spouses in question have a personal faith in God. We know not all readers will share that personal faith, but we unapologetically believe no one can do this on their own. If you find yourself in this situation, reach out to God and see that you can rely on Him for help in all areas of life – starting with your own difficulties right now.

And that is vital because as you will see, it is essential to ask God to give you the ability to respond well before you tackle this topic with your mate, to have not only good, firm boundaries, but also a healthy dose of the grace and compassion that is so important to a good outcome.

How on earth do you do that in such a hurtful situation? Read on.


From Michael Todd Wilson:

The first – and single most important – piece of advice I have for someone who discovers their spouse is struggling with sexual integrity is to avoid the almost irresistible urge to charge towards them with confrontation and aggression.

Yes, you will be angry. But venting anger isn’t going to lead your spouse to be an appropriately broken person who’s willing to walk the difficult journey ahead. Instead, it will close them off and trigger a denial response, such as “You’re crazy, I am not looking at porn.” (Or whatever sexual integrity problem he is dealing with.)

While there is a need to grieve the loss of what you thought you had in your marriage before discovering the infidelity, it’s not going to help to believe the worst about your spouse, either.

If your husband is a Christ-follower, he knows he is not where God wants him to be. And even if he isn’t, he probably has felt guilty about his porn use; otherwise he wouldn’t have been hiding it.

No matter what, it is almost certain that, despite his actions, he deeply cares about you.

There is a very important need and opportunity right now to encourage your spouse out of the shadows of porn or any sexual infidelity, and towards the light. Which is the only way healing will come.

Encourage him to get help rather than simply demanding he get help ‘or else.’

Sharing the truth that this is unacceptable, and that you need him to seek help for change, and doing it firmly but gently, could be the catalyst God uses to redeem your husband’s behavior and protect your marriage and family.

Here are four initial steps to take:

  1. Under no circumstances should you accept any responsibility for your spouse’s actions. Reject any impulse to feel you have caused your spouse to be unfaithful. However, just as you expect him to examine himself and do some hard work in his life, this is an opportunity for you, the offended spouse, to look inside and “own” whatever difficulties in the marriage may be on your side of the relationship. For example, I see that often (not always, but often), there has been marital conflict on both sides that has led to infrequent sex or sexual problems. Which is sometimes a contributing factor to a spouse’s pain. Again, though: These may be contributing factors, but how your spouse chooses to respond to these difficulties (by hookups or porn) is fully, one hundred percent, his responsibility.
  1. Be gentle in the way you approach your spouse. I know this will be extremely difficult, but at the outset, refrain from expressions of anger and try to see that your partner is hurting on the inside, whether he admits to such pain or not. You can share those feelings of anger with your spouse at some point when it’s more beneficial. Initially though, it’s most helpful to take this anger to God and press into Him. At first, discussions about what’s happening with your husband’s porn use should be limited to your most trusted one or two friends, preferably ones who aren’t family (sharing with family now will likely have unintended, detrimental consequences on that relationship later).
  1. Accept denial as a natural response of the spouse who is caught – i.e. “That porn website in the computer history wasn’t me – that was one of the kids.” Denial goes with the problem, and you may not be able to break it yourself. Pray for God to convict him and break through the denial. I have seen over and over again that the Holy Spirit will convict your spouse much more effectively than you ever could.
  1. Don’t believe the worst in your spouse. Your spouse is actually in pain. Otherwise, they wouldn’t be doing what they are doing in the first place. (Porn use, believe it or not, is often a means of coping.) Offer empathy and encouragement to get help. If your spouse is ready, help him to take the next step to get help (such as finding a local ministry or men’s accountability group.) If not, give him space and pray until he is. It can be so hard to wait, but he truly has to be ready to get help; if he is only “getting help” because you insist, it is not likely you will see the true life change you both need.

If you feel that you have already “messed up” in how you approached your spouse initially, it’s simple enough to go back and confess. After all, this is exactly what you wish your partner would do with regard to his own sexual mess-ups. You can model the same humility in confession that you long to see from him.

So if you spewed your anger initially, you can go back and confess that, and apologize, even months later: “You know, when I first confronted you I did it in a way that caused more harm than good. I was scared, angry, hurt … I turned that into punishment. I’m really sorry.

All these steps will create a gentle but firm approach to make it easier for your spouse to move toward the light instead of running, hiding, denying or downplaying poor sexual choices.

 

Bio for Michael Todd Wilson
As a Licensed Professional Counselor, Certified Sex Therapist and Board Certified Coach, MT leverages professional-grade coaching to help Christian men (especially men in Christian leadership) successfully recover and pursue sexual integrity. His specialized coaching is convenient from anywhere by phone or video conference. You can reach him at intentionalhearts.com.

 

 

 

 

 

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Some tips in getting a guy

Who does not wish to resemble or loved? Of course, everybody wants to be loved and be liked. Nevertheless, most ladies find it hard getting guys to like them. The fact is most women simply do not understand a guy’s habits. Earls Court escorts of https://charlotteaction.org/earls-court-escorts said that getting a guy like you is learning more about his behavior. It is only by understanding a man’s habits that a lady will get him to like her. Although men have different behavior, there prevail traits when it comes to being brought in to females. The tips you will learn will work for the majority of men so read thoroughly. Really, the tips are simple to follow. If in a way, the man you like is various you just have to make some modifications.

earls court escort

Do you notice how appeal pageant contestants smile? They smile a lot and they wear lovely, natural smile that will lure everyone that sees them. Smile can attract males and it helps you be friendlier. It removes that anti-social look in you. Smiling can help you be more visible to guys. If lots of men are around you it creates a challenge to every male to make a move. Have a look again at the beauty pageant contestants. Exactly what do you commonly see about their characteristics? If you want to learn how getting a guy like you works you need to discover the best ways to forecast self-confidence just as what these appeal pageant candidates do. Earls Court escorts tells that a positive woman is something that males generally search for. Females who are good at dressing up will more than likely get attraction from men. Frequently, a not so beautiful lady will get more men than someone so lovely who does not know the best ways to dress up correctly. Use hot clothes but preserve decency. Showing some skin helps a lot to get discovered by men.

Again, use charm pageant candidates as your role models. Do you see how they forecast positive mindset? You will see several pageants that have contestants who inadvertently find phase. See how they get up? They stand proud and with maintained poise. How do they do that? It is because they always preserve a favorable attitude. Earls Court escorts tells that getting a guy like you is not really a trick for numerous women understand about it. Like men, women are studying how a guy acts. Ladies are as compulsive as guys in desiring their opposite sex. Remember, exactly what counts most is your total personality. Use the tips you have just discovered and see how many men get attracted to you.

Searching for a partner online

Are you considering the idea of having a date on line? Are you worried that you might wind up fulfilling a scams? Do you would like to know ways to avoid rip-offs or phonies, which are prevalent when having a date on line? Nowadays with people living fast paced lives, even dating becomes tough to fit in everyone’s hectic schedule. Because of this circumstance many people find convenience of searching for a date on line. St Albans escorts of https://charlotteaction.org/st-albans-escorts says that the presence of different sites providing dating services has also affected the increase in popularity of this kind of dating. Nevertheless if you are planning to try this dating method, there are things that you should consider to guarantee your safety and success of discovering a partner. Here are the pointers on how you can meet the right partner through the date on line service used by various websites.

If you desire your possible partner to get a great idea about your personality then you should provide your web profile with the essential details. You should also remember that publishing genuine individual information will allow you to find a partner who will like you for who you truly are. If you are planning to go for a date on line then you should make certain that you are with a real dating website. Search for a dating website, which has an excellent feedback from its users so that you will be assured that you will not be a victim of a scam. When you have a genuine website to discover a match for you then you are on the right track in finding your future partner. St Albans escorts said that prior to you join any dating site, you need to be clear regarding exactly what relationship and partner you are looking for. This will give you an idea of what you are anticipating from the dating service that the site provides and will assist you to have a sensible expectation.

When you have actually discovered someone who matches your criteria, you should not satisfy the individual immediately. St Albans escorts tells that you must offer sufficient time to understand more about the person. It will likewise let you understand if the person is truly severe in pursuing a relationship with you. As soon as you sign up with a website that offers a date on line type of service, you must not expect that you will find the perfect match for you quickly. You can satisfy various people who possess the qualities you are looking for however it does not indicate that they are already the one destined for you. It might take at some point before discovering your true partner but you need to not lose hope. In discovering a partner who will belong of your life you must have a clear understanding of your goals. You ought to also understand the different issues that people experience like website frauds and scams identities. When you are knowledgeable about these things then you will have a safe and effective result.

Free Video Series and Private FB Group – Available Now

We have some pretty exciting news for you.

Here’s the thing, we have a lot of resources for individuals and couples who are struggling with porn use.

Some of these cost money because they fund the development of new resources and initiatives.

But at the end of the day, we want to help as many people as possible…

So when I can announce that we have a new free resource that I think is going to help a lot of men and women I GET EXCITED.

Here is what we have available right NOW and I think you are going to love it.

 

First, for the men struggling with porn and stuff. We have:

 

1. A free 3 part video series called “3 Things to Tell Your Wife About Your Pornography Habit.”

I know the idea of sharing your struggle with your wife might seem pretty scary. But it’s what we need to do and these videos will help you with that process.

2. A free private Facebook Group for men only.

In this group, you will be able to access the video series I just told you about plus share with and hear from 1,000’s of other men all on the same journey as you. Plus, we have leaders and staff in this group who will be jumping in and offering encouragement and advice.

 

Second, for the women married or involved with the men who struggle with porn and these types of things we have:

 

1. A free 3 part video series called “3 Ways to Help Your Husband Kick His Pornography Habit.”

Yes, it’s his problem. But, it’s also yours because it impacts you and your marriage. You probably already know this but at times feel helpless because you don’t know what to do or how to help him. These videos will give you some clear guidance and help.

2. A free private Facebook Group for women only.

In this group, you will be able to access the video series I just told you about plus share with and hear from 1,000’s of other women all in the same situation as you. Plus, we have leaders and staff in this group who will be jumping in and offering encouragement and advice.
Sound good?

I hope so.

So here’s what you need to do to learn more about these free videos and get access to the private groups.

1. Click HERE.

2. Request Access.

3. Wait for your Private Invitation code to arrive in your email.

That’s it. Let us know what you think.

 

 

 

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One-Sided​ ​Conversations​

In my marriage, I volunteered to do lots of things that I never did. Not in a timely fashion, at least.

HER: “We need to make an appointment with our tax guy.”
ME: “I’ll call him this week.”

HER: “One of our sprinkler heads is broken, and the grass in our front yard is turning brown.”
ME: “No problem. I’ll replace it this weekend.”

HER: “Can you help me upload the photos on my camera to the cloud? I can’t figure it out.”
ME: “Sure. Just leave your camera on my dresser and I’ll take care of it for you.”

If you’ve been married more than a month, you know what’s coming next.
The question.

Oh, it might not come for a week or two, but it’s coming.

“Did you call our tax guy?”
“Did you fix the sprinkler?”
“Can I have my camera back?”

Far too often, instead of owning it like a man, I stuttered and stammered my way into deeper
doo-doo.

“Uhhh, let me think … tax guy … did I make that call? Hmmm. I remember I was going to. Oh
wait, that’s right, I was about to call him and set up our appointment when I got called into a
meeting. Crap! I’ll do it this week.”

“This week?! It should have been done months ago. Why didn’t you call him last week like you
said you would?! Aauuugh!”

“I didn’t have time.”

[Sound of my parachute not opening]

Here’s what “I didn’t have time” really means and what every frustrated woman hears in that
moment:

x3-fighting-for-my-marriage-facebook-10“I don’t really care that you lose sleep at night worrying about our taxes. I don’t really care that our front yard is ugly and embarrasses you. I don’t really care that you’re stressed out and fearful we might lose the family photos from our summer vacation. What matters to you doesn’t matter to me. You don’t matter to me. I have lots of priorities, but you’re not one of them. There are important people in my life, but you’re not one of them. You’re practically last in line!”

Instead, when you volunteer to do something, write it down. Schedule it. Prioritize it.

Prioritize HER.

That’s always what this is about.

Better yet, anticipate her needs and take charge. From “Better Sex Guarantee #1” (Chapter 5 of
my book, Wife Magnet):

“Intimate and lasting marriages are forged when we anticipate the day-to-day needs of our
wives and spring into action before we’re asked.”

YOU: “I saw tax forms on your desk the other day, and I know how much you hate it when we
fall behind. I called our accountant this morning. Our appointment is next Tuesday at 4:00 PM.
Is there anything else we need for that meeting? Bank statements? W-2’s?”

YOU: “I keep meaning to fix that broken sprinkler head, but weekends have been so busy since
Little League started. It’s my only time with the boys. The good news is I found a handyman who
can do it this Saturday for only $50. I know you’re tired of our front yard looking so ugly.”

YOU: “You were having trouble uploading photos from your camera, right? I went ahead and
created a new Dropbox folder called ‘Summer Vacation 2017’ and uploaded all those great
pictures you took. I also changed the settings on your camera, so whenever you connect it to
your laptop, any new photos will upload automatically to the cloud. You’ll never have to worry
about losing photos ever again! I tested it and it works great. I can show you right now if you
have a minute.”

I’m guessing, but you might need more than a minute. Especially if her laptop is in the bedroom.
Trust me, you’ll learn to LOVE these one-sided conversations.

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Chris Rock Gets It… Do You?

You know, I watch a lot of stuff on Netflix. I’m kind of an amateur film critic. I don’t know why, maybe it’s just my curiosity. I like to see what’s new, what’s good, and what’s not.

Last week I watched Chris Rock’s new comedy special.

And yes, it might not be for you, especially if you are sensitive to some language and stuff.

But it was solid.

Especially when he started talking about his struggle with porn and the eventual breakup of his marriage.

He says…

“I was not a good husband. I was ******-up. I was addicted to porn. I know, billion-dollar industry, just me, right? I was addicted to porn and, you know, I was 15 minutes late everywhere. When you watch too much porn, you know what happens? Here’s what happens. You become sexually autistic. You develop sexual autism. You have a hard time with eye contact and verbal cues.”

He continues…

“What happens when you watch too much porn is you get desensitized. When you start watching porn, any porn’ll do. ‘Ah, they’re naked. Woo-hoo.’ Then, later on, you’re all ******-up. And you need is a perfect porn cocktail to get you off.”

Funny how Chris Rock sees the danger of porn and is able to connect it with the failure in his marriage but so many others can’t make that connection?

Don’t make the same mistake Chris made.
Don’t wait until it’s too late.

I want to give you a place to start so you don’t end up with the same mess he did.

 

Sign up for an online small group.

 

“Wait, a small group? Why would I do that? Why would that help? And what the heck are you even talking about?”

Look. It’s simple.

One of the reasons people have such a hard time dealing with their porn use is because they feel alone, or they are trying to do recovery on their own.

That doesn’t work.

You need people. You need others to help you along the way. You need a community where you are accepted, warts and all. A safe place to heal and work through your struggles.

Every week of every month we have hundreds of men and women who meet in our online small groups and pursue recovery and freedom. People who are there for each other, week in and week out, via a weekly group video chat.

You should give it a try. You won’t believe the difference it will make in your life.

From now until March 15th,

 

We are offering your 1st month of Small Groups Online for just $1.

 

That’s it. 1 BUCK. Just use coupon code ONEBUCK at checkout.

Don’t wait until it’s too late like Chris.

 

Sign up for $1 and begin your journey to freedom!

 

 

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Knowing your Mr. Right: Southall escorts

 

Do you always fall for the exact same type of guy over and over again? Are you tired of squandering your time dating someone who is not even worthy of your attention? Does it appear that you constantly fall for the wrong one? Well, you should have a break and discover Mr. Right this time. One way to discover if he is the man of your dreams is by responding to a Mr. Right Quiz. By addressing the following questions listed below you will not be blinded by the wrong ones any longer. Have a look at the quiz listed below and answer the questions truthfully. Southall escorts said that you will definitely enjoy this Mr. Right quiz and laugh at yourself for letting yourself be fooled by your previous partners.

A male who is there for you no matter what situation you remain in is worth keeping. Whether you’re in high spirits or down or you just had the worst day of your life, he is ready to listen and comfort you. If your answer is yes to this very first concern of Mr. Right test, then you currently got one point. We all know how males hate it when women keep them waiting. They might wait on you to obtain prepared preparing for your date however be prepared to get the quiet treatment or hear the car door slam loudly. Southall escorts from https://charlotteaction.org/southall-escorts say that guy never ever comprehend why females have to take such a very long time getting ready for a date. Or why females have to visit every shop and buy absolutely nothing in the end. These things actually piss guys off huge time. So if you discovered somebody client enough to go through all these things then here’s another point for you. Although males in general are not really good in keeping in mind dates, however isn’t it nice if they put some effort on it? You are fortunate if your male keeps special dates on his calendar simply to avoid disturbing you by forgetting your anniversary. So if your man often forgets your anniversary or a unique event in your life, do not take it personally. Maybe he simply got stuck with his paper works. Nevertheless, if your partner never ever keeps in mind any special dates then eliminate him. Minus one point if your response is yes to this question in our Mr. Right quiz.

This question in Mr. Right quiz is a bit hard to respond to given that often men do not tell the reality to prevent fights or dramas. However, you will always feel and know the fact. Southall escorts believe that women’s impulse is truly sharp and often it easy to inform when you male is telling the truth or not. However if your partner had seen you without any comprise or perhaps with a huge zit on your nose and still see the beauty in you, then you will understand that he is the one. If your response is mostly yes other than for question number 3 in this Mr. Right quiz, then you can be sure that he is a keeper.