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So, you’re a man, and you’re married. Congratulations! Being married can be awesome and liberating. You get to spend the rest of your life with your best friend and someone who complements you completely – it’s tremendous.
The thing about marriage is that it actually provides a framework for you to thrive and flourish, to become your true self rather than someone who is just angling for another score.
But even though marriage is a time for you to feel free, there are a few things that married men should never do. Here are four of them.
1) Get emotionally vulnerable with a member of the opposite sex
Whether you’re unburdening yourself or whether they’re pouring out their heart to you, this is just a bad idea. Look, we all want to be the person who is kind and loving and who is “there” for those in need. And that’s a great person to be!
Just don’t be that person for a member of the opposite sex. Especially if it’s just the two of you.
Look, we’re not afraid of a man being friends or even being close with a woman that he’s not married to. But we also understand the realities of the way the human heart works, and we know that emotional vulnerability can wind up leading either – or both – of you to places you shouldn’t be going.
Someone else can be there for them. Or there for you. It’s not worth it.
2) Keep score
Hey, you want to know a great way to kill intimacy with your wife? Try keeping score!
When you get into a heated conversation (i.e. argument), don’t try to find resolution – just try to win. When your wife asks you to do something for her, remember it so you can use it later to force her to do something for you.
Oh, and when it comes to sex, definitely keep track of who initiates and when and then take it personally.
Of course we’re being sarcastic here. Keeping score is great when you’re playing actual games, but a terrible thing to do in marriage. You and your spouse are in this together, meaning you either both win or you both lose. Grow up.
3) Try to fix your wife
The great thing about your wife is that she is a wonderful puzzle of occasional contradictions who sometimes just needs to think out loud.
And at the risk of generalizing, we’re going to say that when she does think out loud, she’s not really looking for answers so much as a confidant and someone to back up the way she feels about something.
She probably doesn’t really want you to fix her situation, and she definitely doesn’t want you to fix her.
She wants an advocate.
You aren’t responsible for your wife’s emotions or actions. You know who is? She is. Let her be. Listen, be kind, back her up, and let her vent.
4) Stop doing the little things
You know how when you were dating you did all kinds of cool, fun, romantic little things? And you know how that made her feel?
Yeah, you should keep doing that stuff.
You probably already know this, because it’s in, like, every marriage book, blog, video course, conference, and getaway weekend. But there’s a reason for that: because it’s true.
You have to keep doing that stuff to let your wife know you still cherish her and respect her and have a desperate desire to continue surprising her, even after all these years.
And now it’s your turn, married guys. We’ve given you some ideas – take them as a springboard and start thinking of what you shouldn’t do as a married man, as well as all the many, many things that you can do. Get started. Live free.
Want to learn more about having better sex? Check out the Best Sex Life Now video series and workshop for expert advice and insight on how to supercharge your sex life!
Your husband just confided in you that he looked at porn. I know it must bring up a lot of emotions:
– Betrayal because he didn’t stay faithful to you
– Mistrust because how can you trust him in small or big things if he couldn’t be trusted not to look
– Self-doubt because you think it may have had to do with you not being pretty enough or satisfying enough in the bedroom
– Anger because he didn’t put you above himself and think how his actions could affect you.
These are just a few emotions that may have surfaced for you, and these are normal feelings.
What you do from this point on with those emotions will set the tone for the rest of your marriage. Good, Christ-filled men are trying to do what is right when it comes to lust and their visual nature.
Your husband wants to honor you, but God has wired his brain so differently from a woman’s that it is a constant struggle.
Please take heart that he actually came to you before getting caught—he is trying to honor you and make things right. Your job is NOT to withhold sex from him, to question his integrity in all areas of his life, to play detective or police his every move, to not forgive him and always punish him, to shut down and put up a wall, to think it’s your fault.
Those things make a certain sense emotionally, but they won’t help you or him.
Instead, your job IS to understand his visual nature and encourage him to have accountability with trusted people who will call him out on things, to extend him grace and realize that we all screw up and are selfish, to seek out counseling with him or by yourself, to pray for him, to pray for your marriage, to welcome honest conversations.
If you can openly talk about how hurt you are that he looked at porn, about things in both of you that need work, about what triggers him to look at porn, about taking steps to improve the issues that come up, then you can push through the hard conversations and come out on the other side stronger.
You both love each other and want to work through these things, which is a good thing.
Divorce is not an option, and it never should cross your mind.
Even if this time seems desperate and that it will never pass, divorce is much harder and more painful than this one experience in your relationship.
You and your husband can get through this and wind up even stronger than you were before. We’ve seen it over and over in the couples we’ve worked with through our ministry. It won’t be easy, but it will be worth it.
For more information and help on dealing with sexual betrayal visit Recover.org today.
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Married sex: is sex with your spouse great all the time? We all know how our culture tries to tell us that single people are having all the best sex, what with being unattached to commitment and unhindered by normalcy and routine.
The way movies, magazines, and television shows put it, the only way to have great sex is always to have it with different people, in different ways. Variety, or so the thinking goes, is the spice of life.
But if that’s true, then it’s easy to fall prey to the thinking that sex in marriage can’t be great all the time, but is rather just an ever-diminishing return on a lifetime investment.
So is sex great all the time in marriage?
No. Of course not.
But here’s the catch: sex isn’t great all the time ever.
If you expect sex to be constantly, continually great, then you are expecting something of sex – and your spouse – that neither of them can give.
Sex can be great, sure. It can even be great most of the time. In fact, we think it should be great. But in the same way that every meal you eat won’t make your knees buckle and every movie you see won’t thrill you to the marrow of your soul, every time you have sex will not leave you wading in a pool of pure melted bliss.
If you’re asking whether married sex can be great all the time, you’re asking the wrong question.
Instead of focusing on the physical sensation of greatness, a better way to think about it is this:
Can married sex be continually fulfilling?
Can married sex be consistently satisfying?
Can married sex be mutually enthralling, even when it doesn’t feel like it?
The answer, in all three cases, is yes. Of course it can.
The purpose of sex within marriage is not to achieve an orgasm. It’s not even ultimately to make children (though both of those are definitely by-products of it).
No, the purpose of sex is to unite two people and meld them into one.
It’s to create and foster a lifelong bond that connects a couple at the deepest levels of intimacy and unity. When you think of sex in this way, then every time you and your spouse join together in the cherished physicality of sex, you are deepening your marriage and your relationship with one another.
And that is something truly great.
Want to learn more about having better sex? Check out the Best Sex Life Now video series and workshop for expert advice and insight on how to supercharge your sex life!
As I’ve interacted with couples from all over the world, I’ve found that many of the issues that ultimately lead to infidelity and divorce creep in unintentionally. People don’t usually set out to sabotage their marriage and wind up in divorce court, but small choices can ultimately lead to big disasters.
Subtle poor choices along the way can pile up like a snowball rolling down a hill until it’s big enough to start an avalanche of consequences.
Unfortunately too many couples think they only need to pay attention to their marriage when it’s expected or on special occasions … like Valentine’s Day.
However, the truth is that marriage is something that requires daily investment and review. Not just once a year.
It’s because of this that we started StrongerMarriages.com and paid a ton of money to get the word out about investing in your marriage via billboards.
Yes, we believe in marriage that much that the investment was worth it.
Below are seven of the most common intimacy killers that can harm a marriage (even after a nice Valentine’s Day). Avoid these and you’ll go a long way toward safeguarding your marriage.
(In no particular order):
1. Not wearing a wedding ring.
People might just not be into jewelry or not think it’s a big deal, but wearing a ring can be a first line of defense against adultery. When you meet new people, one of the first things they’ll notice about you is whether or not you’re wearing a ring. They’ll make assumptions about your “availability” based on the presence or absence of a ring.
2. Digital distractions.
I’ll admit it: sometimes I give my iPhone more attention than I give my wife! Do your best to keep screens turned off as much as possible when you’re together with your spouse. Talking with your spouse is always better than texting with somebody else (or playing Candy Crush, or checking Facebook, or…).
Raising kids is one of the most sacred duties on earth, but it can also harm your marriage if you don’t have a unified approach with your spouse. Ashley and I don’t argue much, but many (if not most) of our disagreements have come out of miscommunications about parenting.
This one is two-fold, because we harm our marriages when we STOP flirting with our spouse or when we START flirting with anybody else! Flirting within marriage is always helpful, but flirting outside of your marriage is always harmful!
5. Porn and/or graphic romance novels.
Many couples think porn and/or reading graphically sexual novels are a harmless fantasy that can actually spice things up in the bedroom if they do it together, but the truth is that these things are an enemy of real intimacy. Don’t just be physically monogamous; be mentally monogamous as well. And I’d encourage you to add some accountability and porn-blocking software on your devices to protect your marriage and family. Check out the resource at www.X3watch.com.
Cable TV companies give their best rates and service at the beginning but then treat you much worse after the “promotional period” expires. Sadly, many marriages look like this. We give each other our best at the beginning of the relationship, but then get into “autopilot” and stop giving each other our best. Don’t take each other for granted.
7. Negative friends.
Your friends have the unique ability to encourage your marriage or to discourage it. Make sure you’re hanging out with people who love you AND your spouse. Choose friends who will strengthen your character, and remove yourself from people who would tempt you to compromise your character.
Even if you’ve found your marriage falling into some of these “intimacy killers,” don’t lose hope! Make the decision TODAY to change course, and in time, your marriage can become more vibrant and fulfilling than ever before.
Blame is easy, especially when it comes to your porn problem. Why?
Because we don’t have to face the mirror. Facing ourselves as we really are is painful, messy work. To really see the ugliness inside threatens our entire network of excuses and forces us to see: I have a slice of responsibility here.
Every time I counsel someone, eventually I hear it.
“If it wasn’t for this city—this church—this relationship—my family—my job—my friends—then I wouldn’t be stuck in this addiction—this cycle—this problem.”
And that could very well be true. There are a lot of things outside our control.
Watch this video before you read on:
But when it comes to your porn problem, I want to discuss situations where we are engaged in destructive habits and behaviors, such as addiction or disengagement. I won’t speak to situations where others have legitimately hurt you outside your control, because no one can blame you for these things.
Here are three ways to stop blaming others and finally own our part of the problem.
1) Make a preemptive strike against blame: name it out loud and clear the air.
In the above video, author and research professor Brené Brown says, “The first thing you want to know is whose fault it is … Because it gives us some semblance of control.”
Our instant defense mechanism when something goes wrong is to say, “Tag, you’re it.” Our egos are constantly trying to protect us from feeling wrong, because we associate this with being unloved or unaccepted. All this makes a logical sort of sense, but it’s dangerous, because our initial instinct is to drag others down with us. This in turn only justifies and reinforces our cycle of destruction.
We’ve been down this road. “My boss is after me and I hate my job and my girlfriend clicked ‘like’ on some other guy’s picture, so I need to release stress—” which then gives us a mental permission slip to bow to our porn problem. We feed our bad habits with blame. This loop can go on forever.
Yet if we struck down this Hydra of Blame like a whack-a-mole before it got to others or ourselves, the inner monologue might change to: “My boss seems to be after me, but maybe I can ask him what’s really going on. I hate my job, but maybe I can find a better way to love my work or look for a better job. I feel a little silly about being upset at my girlfriend over a picture, but maybe I can talk openly with her about what that’s doing to me.”
Thinking this way, as Brené Brown implies, suddenly lets go of control and creates a scary uncertainty. But it also exposes our blame-game for what it is: an excuse to use, stay mad, or stay withdrawn. When blame is named, it shrivels up and loses power.
The way to cut off the first sprout of blame is to free ourselves and others from the immediate conspiracy theories that pop up in our heads, and to offer openness instead.
2) Specific accountability revokes the urge to spread the blame.
Brené Brown states a fascinating find from her research:
“Blame is simply the discharging of discomfort and pain. It has an inverse relationship with accountability … People who blame a lot seldom have the tenacity and grit to actually hold people accountable, themselves included, because we spend all our time and energy raging for fifteen seconds and figuring out who’s fault something is.”
The more we blame, the less accountable we are. The inverse is true: the more accountable we are, the less we blame. This is huge when it comes to addressing our porn problem.
We’ve each had that weird moment in the shower when we remember the time we did something hurtful or embarrassing or just plain destructive. And we twitch. Or yell. Or clench a fist. Orwe make up an angry justification about why it had to happen.
Our brains are always trying to restore the dissonance between “I ought to” and “I didn’t.” Somehow, we have to off-load this discomfort and pain of falling short in our lives. It might come out later at dinner in an argument, or at work on a co-worker, or alone with a computer.
This blame tactic is a shotgun spray. Imagine the mess you’d make if you filled a big bucket and swung it around in a huge circle. This is the “raging for fifteen seconds.” We do this all the time.
Instead, holding ourselves accountable as specifically as possible will dislocate our urge to spread the blame. It has to be specific and surgical. If our urge to shotgun the blame is like splashing that bucket on the walls, then our need to be accountable will have to be like a scalpel on a tumor. That means owning a piece of the responsibility pie.
This also means: Stopping blame means ending our demonization of the vague. No more “they” and “them” and “those people.” No more generalizations like, “I’m stupid” or “They’re bad.” Accountability is thoughtful, nuanced, and splits atoms down to real reasons. That’s how we repair the soul and find a better road away from our porn problem: by close examination of what’s happening and why.
The video has a remarkable point that goes by quickly:
“I’d rather it be my fault than no one’s fault.”
The implication here is: If I can’t blame others, I will blame myself.
In Brené Brown’s other research (especially in her book Daring Greatly), she shows that our capacity for compassion is directly related to how much compassion we have for ourselves.
So saying “It’s their fault” is a result of avoiding, “It’s my fault,” which means the blame game started with blaming myself. We blame others only as much as first blamed ourselves. This means: Completely killing blame can only be accomplished by a self-given generosity.
Most addicts I know are constantly sliding down a spiral of self-punishment and resignation. “I already messed up, so I might as well keep going.” They might blame others for a while, but underneath this off-loading is self-loathing. Blame says, “This is who they’re always going to be” and “This is who I’m always going to be.” It’s why we stay stuck in addiction and midnight arguments and resentful outbursts. If someone thinks they’re unloved, they’ll keep doing the things that keep them “unlovable.”
The best way out of your porn problem is to find the right balance between love and truth. It’s to have a gracious, gentle accountability, with a generous understanding of why we do what we do, without making excuses for it. Instead of pointing fingers, we point a way forward. “I did something wrong, but I can make this right.” This requires a mentor who is compassionate but convicting. It requires a friend who won’t let you off the hook but will receive you with open arms, always.
To stop blaming others, we must uproot the burden of blame we place on ourselves.
Someone has to be willing to stand up to you (and that might be you).
But someone has to be willing to offer grace, too (and that might also be you).
Sign up for X3watch today. Accountability software and Premium Filtering designed to help you do more, go farther, and live better. Free book and video course is you purchase an annual subscription.
Smouldering, was the only way he could describe the lady who was sitting opposite him. He had been dating London escorts http://cityofeve.com for a while, but he had never come across a girl like this one before. She was not only hot, she appeared to be ready to erupt like a volcano. He could literally feel her sexiness across the table, and could not take his eyes of her, even though he was trying to eat. As a matter of fact, he was slowly becoming aware that his hand was trembling as he was bringing his fork up to his mouth.
This girl was an unknown quantity to him. It felt really strange sitting in a restaurant, and being a bit apprehensive about the rest of the evening. Most of the London escorts were quite predictable, he sort of knew what was going to happen. They would have dinner, and go back to his place, but this girl seemed to not let on what she was thinking. The blonde hair fell over her shoulders, and couple of curls made their way to her generous bust and cleavage. He could not help to be drawn in that direction, and he could see that she was following the movement of his eyes.
All of a sudden he started to feel like a young man on his first dated. He remembered how he just to date an older woman when he was about 19 years old, this girl made him feel the same way. Worried that he might lose control of himself, he poured another glass of wine for her. She was still talking to him in that sexy voice of hers, and he felt his toes curl up involuntary in his shoes. Perhaps, he should just forget about the rest of the date, pay the bill and go home alone.
She followed him to the taxi like so many other London escorts had done before her. He still wasn’t sure if he was ready for her, but like on auto pilot, he asked her to join him. The London cab driver did even seem to pick up on the tension in between, maybe he knew what was going to happen, London escorts frequently used cab services to visit dates. But this was different somehow. In a way, he felt that he was bring home a killer. It was like she was a tiger ready to pounce at any minute.
She did not pounce, she overwhelmed him. None of the London escorts he had dated before could compare to this girl. Afterwards, he could not remember very much of their night together. It seemed like almost a surreal experience, and in the morning he was not sure if it had happen at all. On waking up, he had looked for traces and signs of her, but there was nothing. She was gone out of his life. In the end, he looked at the London escorts agency web site, so that he could see her picture again, but it wasn’t there. He called the agency to ask after her, but they did not know her name. He was sure he had arranged the date through them, but there was no trace of her. Who had she been…
I work in the City of London, and by the end of the day, I am totally exhausted. Most of my friends and mates go to the pub, but I very sneak off to the Isle of Digs. For the last couple of years, I have enjoyed a bit of rest and relaxing with my the hot girls at http://charlotteaction.org/isle-dogs-escorts Isle of Dogs escorts after work, and long may it continue. Sure, there are more personal services, and escorts, around London but I have found that the hot girls on the Isle of Dogs, know exactly how to look after me.
My mates back at the office don’t know anything about me and my girls on the Isle of Dogs. Some of them are a bit on the posh side, and I am not so sure that they would approve of me dating Isle of Dogs escorts. Then again, I am pretty sure that I am not the only guy in the office who dates hot escorts after work. Quite a few of the guys disappear of in different direction, and I have this funny feeling that many of them have their own favorite girls in other parts of London.
Honestly, I cannot see what the big deal is, and lots of guys have their own personal pleasures. Some like to drink a bit too much, others like me, like to take their pleasures more in the flesh so to speak. I have even thought about organizing a party together with my favorite Isle of Dogs escorts back at my pad, I keep wondering how that would gone done with the lads in the office. Perhaps they think that I am kind of the shy and retiring sort of type. I might be in the office but when you get me with my hot babes at the agency, I am a totally different person.
The girls at Isle of Dogs are both sexy and fun to be with. I have dated other girls apart from Isle of Dogs escorts but they all seem to take themselves so seriously. I really don’t understand what is going on because dating guys is not the same thing as doing quantum physics or rocket science. It it all about pleasure and being able to have some hot fun. So far, all of the girls that I have met at the Isle of Dogs service that I use, seem to be able to appreciate that.
If you only knew how much fun you could have with Isle of Dogs escorts, you would be straight down there. It took me a little while to find the perfect girls to have some fun with, but now when I have, I have no intention of changing. Setting up dates is easy, and you will never be disappointed. I am sure that you will appreciate how much fun the girls can be as soon as you take a look at the web site. And yes, they are just as hot as they look!
Berkshire has a really active swinging community, says Nick who is a regular swinger. I am not married but I do have a partner that I go swinging with. We have a great time together and I love the adult fun we have when we are together. I also date Berkshire escorts http://charlotteaction.org/berkshire-escorts, but so far I have not been able to get the girls that I date to come to any Swingers parties. It would be fun if they did, but I am not sure that it is ever going to happen. The girls are so much fun to be with and I think that my swinging friends would appreciate them.
I have a partner that I take with with to the local swinging parties. Single can go to swinging parties, says Nick, but you really do have to have partner that swings. Otherwise the numbers might go wrong and that just isn’t right. Somebody will be left without a partner to swing with, laughs Nick. This is why I thought it might be fun to get Berkshire escorts involved. After all they are into things like duo dating, but it seems that none of the girls that I have asked are interested.
A couple of months ago, I went to a swingers party in London, and there were a couple of girls there from a London agency. They seemed to think it was okay to go swinging. When I got back down to Newbury, I asked the boss of the local Berkshire escorts agency, if he would let his girls swing, but he said no. He also said that they do get a lot of request but the girls always decline he says. He says that he can understand that, but it seems strange that other agencies in London provide this service.
I would have thought the Berkshire escorts would like to grow their business. They have some really interesting dating modules, but swinging they are staying away from. A couple of years ago, I went to a swingers convention in Las Vegas and the Las Vegas escorts were all their. They all said that going to swinging conventions can be the high light of the year, and they are very profitable for them. It is almost like a bit of an advertising show case for them, the girls said. I would have thought that would apply to escorts services every where.
One day, I am going to talk my favorite Berkshire escorts to come with me. Even if it is just to watch. I will take my regular partner as well, and we will show the girls what it is all about. After all, they are nice girls and they do have some amazing fantasies. Many of my favorite girls are into role play so they would fit in really well. Would I be able to manage without swinging? No, I don’t think so and it is my favorite hobby. To me, it is the ideal way to relax and when I have been to a party, I perform better at work during the week.
If you’ve ever been around me for 30 consecutive seconds, you know that I’m a pretty competitive guy. I don’t know where it comes from—it’s just part of my personality, I guess. It’s how I was able to launch an international ministry
Marriage, however, is not a competition.
It’s easy to think of marriage as this always-changing power struggle, where you’re always trying to figure out the things you’re willing to give up so that you can get what you want. But that’s old-school. And wrong.
I’m sure it’s been said somewhere else, but I’m going to say it again: a great marriage works like a pair of scissors. It’s the two of you working together, evenly and equally, to carve up whatever life sends your way. There’s no dominant blade on a pair of scissors: they work together, and if one doesn’t have the other, then nothing’s going to get done.
So with that in mind, let me drop this on you:
When you serve your spouse, you’re serving yourself.
You aren’t giving up a little of you in order to get something back later—you’re giving and getting at the same time.
Let’s take something that every couple has to do but that no one likes to do, and something that always winds up being the go-to example when we’re talking about stuff like this: doing the dishes.
Now, unless you’re so rich that you have paid help to do your dishes for you (in which case, you can donate to XXXchurch here), you and your spouse have the nightly struggle over who is going to do this mundane domestic task. Maybe you split it up where one washes and one dries. Maybe you trade days. Or maybe one of you just does it all the time.
No matter how you’ve worked it out, unless you’ve just thrown a big fit about doing the dishes until your spouse finally caved and just did them to shut you up, you’ve probably been giving and getting at the same time.
Because you’ve contributed to your marriage as a whole by pitching in. You’ve lightened the burden for them, which makes your marriage all the sweeter and which will continue to create a culture of service. You’ll care for one another in every area, from domestic tasks to emotional work to spiritual growth.
I’ve seen this at work in my own marriage. Jeanette and I both grew up with “traditional” roles being modeled for us in our homes, but once we got married, we both realized that some of those “traditional” roles don’t fit our personalities.
So we said, “Forget these traditions,” and made our own, based on what we’re good at.
Maybe one of you is a great cook—let them do the meals. Maybe one of you is good at spreadsheets and planning—let them handle the bills. Maybe one of you is more naturally handy with a toolbox and a set of directions—let them put together the kids’ new bunk beds.
The point is: play to each others’ strengths and find where you complement one another. You do the stuff you’re good at, they do the stuff they’re good at, and you’ll both be operating in your own giftings—serving your spouse while you serve yourself at the same time.
That’s how you both win.
We are strong on building better marriages and better families. This is why we launched a new website called StrongerMarriages.com. For more great content on marriage, intimacy, parenting, and more visit StrongerMarriages today. We know this website will help many people but we need your help to make it as awesome as we think it will be.